D-Day: My Soundtrack

Photo 1: Taken 3 months before my diagnosis. I weighed 100 pounds.

Photo 2: Taken almost exactly four years later. Weight: I'm not telling, but health-wise, I'm living well with diabetes!

Today is my diabetes diagnosis anniversary. Four years and counting!

Woo hoo. (Half-sarcastic, half-sincere).

Here's my diabetes diagnosis anniversary day entry---using lyrics as my guide.

The year and a half I spent undiagnosed was a blur. I was physically drained, emotionally fragile, spiritually bitter, and mentally foggy. The Fray's song "Over My Head" describes that time period in my life:

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head

As well as the Casting Crowns song "Does Anybody Hear Her?":

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today?

The day I left the hospital, armed with diabetes supplies and wearing my too big sweats, this song by Daniel Powter (called, appropriately, "Bad Day") accompanied us home:

Where is the moment we needed the most?
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
They tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carryin' on

'Cause you had a bad day, you're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know, you tell me don't lie
You work on a smile and you go for a ride

You had a bad day, the camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Even though I was thrilled to finally have an answer, my diagnosis, I was in survival/vulnerable/freaked-out/exhausted/pissed off/relieved mode, and I related to the Rascal Flatts song entitled "Skin":

Sara Beth is scared to death
To hear what the doctor will say
She hasn't been well, since the day that she fell
And the bruise it just won't go away

So she sits and she waits with her mother and dad
And flips through an old magazine
Till the nurse with the smile stands at the door
And says will you please come with me

Sara Beth is scared to death
Cause the doctor just told her the news
Between the red cells and white, something's not right
But we're gonna take care of you

As I gained clarity in confidence in my new life as a person with diabetes, I related to "Suddenly I See" by KT Tunstall:

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

And "Mountain of God" by Third Day:

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

Thankfully, I have a wonderful spouse who was supportive, even when I was (and can still be---but not so much now) bitter, angry, confused, high, low, etc. I love Rob Thomas' song "Her Diamonds" where he talks about his wife's medical struggles. You can watch the music video on YouTube:

Oh what the hell she says
I just can't win for losing
And she lays back down
Man there's so many times
I don't know what I'm doin
Like I don't know now

By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes
Says it's funny how the night
Can make you blind
I can just imagine
And I don't know what I'm supposed to do
But if she feels bad then i do too
So I let her be

And she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
She's down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

My soundtrack will continue to evolve and grow as I do.

I leave you with the partial lyrics of "Free To Be Me" by Francesca Battistelli:

At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see


‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

And "Trading My Sorrows"---a popular praise-and-worship song:

I'm trading my sorrow
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

And we say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen

I'm pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy's gonna be my strength

This disease started out being the worst thing that ever happened to me, but from it came an education (nutrition, exercise, disease, and human relations), a beautiful baby girl through domestic adoption, a more confident self, a writing career, a stronger faith in God, and a purpose. So I guess my "worst" turned into my best. And I praise God for that.