Healing

Last Sunday, our pastor preached a sermon on healing.

I was feeling strongly conflicted that day. (Ok, so it was three days before my d-day anniversary, which is always a hard time for me...but this isn't the first time the idea of healing has come up).

First, yes, I 100% believe God can heal someone---whether that healing be physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual.

I also believe strongly that my life blossomed when I was told I had diabetes. For one, it was an answer to prayer---being sick for a year and a half was horrible and life-altering---and a diagnosis was the beginning of a new lease on life.

For another, all of us bear something heavy in our lives----a physical illness, a rocky childhood, an addiction, a secret. And that thing, whatever it is, makes us who we are. We'll spend our lives fighting it, learning from it, and hopefully, claiming victory over it, even though it's ever-present.

And another, my life-long goal of publishing my writings came true after my diagnosis, which is when I found my current purpose---educating and supporting others with this disease and those who care for us.

And finally, without it, we wouldn't have our beautiful baby girl through domestic infant adoption.

When I was told I had diabetes, my first DNE said I'd go through all the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

She was right.

And though these stages had me miserable for quite some time, reaching acceptance was such a relief. And once I accepted my fate, I began to grow, learn, and thrive, living my life as I believe God wants each of us to: to the fullest.

At the end of the sermon, the pastor had a special time of prayer where congregants could come forward and seek healing or pray for healing for someone they know. Before we reached that point in the sermon, my daughter grew quiet unhappy, and after trying all the tricks (a book, a toy, a snack) without avail, I took her out of the sanctuary.

In all honesty, the idea of going forward and asking God to heal me of diabetes just seems, well, I'll say it, ridiculous.

Because I've accepted the following:

• I didn't deserve this disease, but it is what it is. We all have our cross to bear, and this is mine, so I carry on.
• I didn't give myself diabetes. There are many theories on what causes type I diabetes, but the fact is, I got it, and no wishing or "what if" thinking will change that...nor is that productive in any way.
• That diabetes has made a positive impact on my life. I have my daughter, I am constantly seeking a nutritional education, I'm working out, I'm feeding my family well, and I'm educating and encouraging others with this disease.
• If I didn't have diabetes, I'd have something else to deal with. Christian or not, none of us are promised any sort of deal in life. (The pastor did say, we live in a fallen world full of sin and problems---and therefore, many diseases and illnesses exist. One may not have a disease due to sin, though some people do---think lots of sexual partners and STDs).

Again, I do not doubt my God. If He wanted to lift this disease from my body, He could.

But honestly, I do not believe that healing (being "cured" from diabetes) will ever be part of my life.

Some argue with me and say "they'll cure that thing"---I guess trying to give me hope. The truth is, I have hope---it's just not in the fact that I will ever be healed or cured. My hope is in the fact that I can live a good life WITH diabetes. That is my reality, and that is how I deal and accept this disease daily.

From the outside, a healing sure seems fantastic! But the truth is, I feel those who are super gung-ho on me being healed of diabetes are sadly not getting the science of the matter. They don't get what type I is, how I got it, how it is treated, etc. They also don't get me personally and how I deal with diabetes---that I've accepted it. Even though others may have not.

This is MY cross to bear. Some days it's heavy, some days it's light. I have some horrible bouts of highs and lows---and yes, sometimes I get really pissed off and yell at God, my husband, and myself. But for the most part, I am blessed with fantastic medical professionals, outstanding technology (a pump, a CGM, Symlin, etc.), a supportive family, and a constant yearning to keep growing and changing.

No doubt: diabetes sucks. It's one rough disease---a song that NEVER ends.

But if people would stop deciding for me how I should deal with this disease and what I should want from it and focus on how we are all broken in some way, and that is what connects us as humans, we'd all be happier.

D-Day: My Soundtrack

Photo 1: Taken 3 months before my diagnosis. I weighed 100 pounds.

Photo 2: Taken almost exactly four years later. Weight: I'm not telling, but health-wise, I'm living well with diabetes!

Today is my diabetes diagnosis anniversary. Four years and counting!

Woo hoo. (Half-sarcastic, half-sincere).

Here's my diabetes diagnosis anniversary day entry---using lyrics as my guide.

The year and a half I spent undiagnosed was a blur. I was physically drained, emotionally fragile, spiritually bitter, and mentally foggy. The Fray's song "Over My Head" describes that time period in my life:

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head

As well as the Casting Crowns song "Does Anybody Hear Her?":

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today?

The day I left the hospital, armed with diabetes supplies and wearing my too big sweats, this song by Daniel Powter (called, appropriately, "Bad Day") accompanied us home:

Where is the moment we needed the most?
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
They tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carryin' on

'Cause you had a bad day, you're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know, you tell me don't lie
You work on a smile and you go for a ride

You had a bad day, the camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Even though I was thrilled to finally have an answer, my diagnosis, I was in survival/vulnerable/freaked-out/exhausted/pissed off/relieved mode, and I related to the Rascal Flatts song entitled "Skin":

Sara Beth is scared to death
To hear what the doctor will say
She hasn't been well, since the day that she fell
And the bruise it just won't go away

So she sits and she waits with her mother and dad
And flips through an old magazine
Till the nurse with the smile stands at the door
And says will you please come with me

Sara Beth is scared to death
Cause the doctor just told her the news
Between the red cells and white, something's not right
But we're gonna take care of you

As I gained clarity in confidence in my new life as a person with diabetes, I related to "Suddenly I See" by KT Tunstall:

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

And "Mountain of God" by Third Day:

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

Thankfully, I have a wonderful spouse who was supportive, even when I was (and can still be---but not so much now) bitter, angry, confused, high, low, etc. I love Rob Thomas' song "Her Diamonds" where he talks about his wife's medical struggles. You can watch the music video on YouTube:

Oh what the hell she says
I just can't win for losing
And she lays back down
Man there's so many times
I don't know what I'm doin
Like I don't know now

By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes
Says it's funny how the night
Can make you blind
I can just imagine
And I don't know what I'm supposed to do
But if she feels bad then i do too
So I let her be

And she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
She's down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

My soundtrack will continue to evolve and grow as I do.

I leave you with the partial lyrics of "Free To Be Me" by Francesca Battistelli:

At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see


‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

And "Trading My Sorrows"---a popular praise-and-worship song:

I'm trading my sorrow
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

And we say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen

I'm pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy's gonna be my strength

This disease started out being the worst thing that ever happened to me, but from it came an education (nutrition, exercise, disease, and human relations), a beautiful baby girl through domestic adoption, a more confident self, a writing career, a stronger faith in God, and a purpose. So I guess my "worst" turned into my best. And I praise God for that.

The STING of the South

NEVER have I seen a "sharps" deposit in a public bathroom until I went to an outlet mall in Gulf Shores, Alabama.

I can only think of one reason there is a sharps box in a mall bathroom, and that's because I was in the South, where diabetes is rampant. According to the CDC, in 2008 31% of Alabama's residents were obese, and of course, obesity is a major trigger for type 2 diabetes.

Also stated:

Wide sections of the Southeast, Appalachia, and some tribal lands in the West and Northern Plains have the nation's highest rates of obesity and diabetes. In many counties in those regions, rates of diagnosed diabetes exceed 10 percent and obesity prevalence is more than 30 percent.

Eighty-one percent of counties in the Appalachian region that includes Kentucky, Tennessee, and West Virginia have high rates of diabetes and obesity. So do three-quarters of counties in the southern region that includes Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Mississippi, and South Carolina.

The sharps container spoke volumes to me. I admit I was a bit jaded the rest of the shopping trip (although the splurge at BCBG and a bookstore sure helped). I guess I could have made like many and headed to the food court for a giant cinnamon roll and a side of Chinese food....

I am sickened by how acceptable it is to overeat, under exercise, and pretend that everything is ok. Most people know, without any nutrition classes or health seminars or glossy brochures, that a bag of chips, or a box of Twinkies, or a "value" meal from a fast food restaurant isn't healthy. I mean, look what happens when it's consumed. Weight is gained, and thus, one sweats more when doing something simple, like walking, one's knees start to ache, one sleeps poorly, feels tired, can't focus, and craves more of the bad stuff.

But as Americans, we feel entitled to eat what we want, when we want it, and as much as we want. And then we expect that when it gets bad enough, there will be a band aid (a pretend fix): a pill or two or ten.

I'm sad that people choose my disease. I'm scared of what these choices are doing to everyone: our government, our health care workers, our insurance companies, our farmers, our stock market, our family members, our friends, and mostly, ourselves.

This is serious folks.

It starts with us, invidually. We have a poor attitude toward out health in general. We smoke, we go to tanning beds, we drive while talking on our cell phones, we clean with harsh chemicals, rub toxic lotions into our skin, and then we just attempt to fix fix fix QUICK fix all of our mistakes. It's cover up, upon cover up, upon cover up.

If you are making bad choices, your chances will run out. You can run, but you can't hide.

Feet + New Doc + Appreciation

This photo was taken on our recent family vacation to Gulf Shores, Alabama.

What it symbolizes is freedom and health. My feet are ok. They have good coloring, great function, and, according to my new podiatrist, excellent circulation.

In fact, I recently met my new podiatrist. He was running about thirty minutes behind schedule; however, he services patients at several facilities (including nursing homes), so I had to give him some grace for taking care of elderly, cranky, demanding, and diabetes-laden patients all over our area. I'd be cranky and demanding too if my feet were completely numb and covered in sores.

Anyway, when I finally got in to see the doc, he took my bare feet, one at a time, into his hands and then gazed into the distance as if his Princess Charming was coming over a hill and he was seeing her beauty for the first time. He then said, with a completely straight face, BOM BOM BOM BOM to the BEAT of my pulse.

I was cracking up on the inside and ready to burst out laughing, except this guy was totally serious, and I thought if I laughed I would break his concentration....

so I gazed around the room to find that on his desk (his office was IN the patient room...hmmmm....) was an old school medicine bag, very warn, and full of sterling silver tools and some sort of brown cushy stuff for feet.

This guy is a total character, I thought, and I like him.

My last experience with a podiatrist wasn't so good, and judging from the comments I received based on that article, I know I'm not alone.

A good doc is hard to find.

So friends, when you find one, cling to him or her with all your might. And respect what they do. Their work is not easy, and I'm sure with all the complications and hardships diabetic patients face, their work is rarely rewarding. But somehow they believe in us, and they press on. Thank God for them.

Celery

Love how food prep can result in lovely surprises!

Vitamin D

Hey, friends!

Did you know that a vitamin D deficiency can increase insulin resistance? I just learned that this week when I found out my vitamin D level is low.

Have your doctor check your vitamin D level, especially during these winter months when we are getting less sun than usual. If you are low, you can get a prescription for a strong dose of D to get your levels back up.

You can get some vitamin D from food, but it's difficult, according to my dietitian, to get enough. Even though I don't take any supplements right now and believe getting "the good stuff" through diet and exercise and all that is most important, I want to do everything I can to immediately improve my blood sugar control.

Rules...rules....rules

When a person is told he or she has diabetes, that person is immediately dunked into a pool of rules. There are medication rules, exercise rules, and of course, food rules. There are so many misconceptions and confusing tidbits of information out there, and how is the average Joe or Jill supposed to make sense of it all?

For the record, I'm not a fan of diet fads or diet books. If they worked, why are there new diets coming out every single day? It sickens me when someone claims to have the answers.

I'm a strong believer in people (diabetes or not) eating real foods, enjoying food, and balancing the enjoyment of food with exercise. I have some sub-beliefs, like eating organic, avoiding too much meat (or for me, no meat), etc....but what I have learned from nearly four years with diabetes is this: eating healthy is simple, when you really get down to it.

For weeks I've been anticipating the call from my library, the one that would tell me that FINALLY Michael Pollan's book Food Rules was waiting for me. The day I got the call, I was at the library. I was giddy with excitement, ready to hear more from the guy who took part in my current favorite documentary, Food Inc.

I adore this book for many reasons:

• It's only $11.00---so affordable.
• It's small and lightweight. This is no textbook.
• The cover is as clean and simple as the "rules."
• The tips are clever, practical, and sometimes even funny.

Some of my favorite rules include:

• "Avoid food products containing ingredients that a third-grader cannot pronounce."
• "Avoid food products that make health claims." (Because it means they are hiding something naughty by printing something appealing on the packaging).
• "Eat only foods that will eventually rot." (Think what a non-rotting food does in your body---eeeeeekkkkk!)
• "Don't ingest foods made in places where everyone is required to wear a surgical cap."
• "It's not food if it arrived through the window of your car." (But oh how I love Chick-Fil-A!)
• "Eat your colors."
• "Sweeten and salt food yourself." (Love this tip!)
• "Don't eat breakfast cereals that change the color of your milk." (MY FAVORITE TIP---because as a mom, advertisers are begging me to buy Lucky Charms....and even "season" the deal with added fiber...but I SHALL NOT BE MOVED!)
• "Eat slowly." (I REALLY need to work on this.....)
• "Don't get your fuel at the same place your car does." (Funny)
• The last tip in the book is, "Break the rules once in a while."

Pollan's advice is realistic, if you are willing to change instead of surrendering to advertisers who want nothing more than for you to become addicted to bad foods so you'll buy more bad foods and feed your family bad foods.

Another article....

on diabetes and spirituality. Enjoy!