I was feeling strongly conflicted that day. (Ok, so it was three days before my d-day anniversary, which is always a hard time for me...but this isn't the first time the idea of healing has come up).
First, yes, I 100% believe God can heal someone---whether that healing be physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual.
I also believe strongly that my life blossomed when I was told I had diabetes. For one, it was an answer to prayer---being sick for a year and a half was horrible and life-altering---and a diagnosis was the beginning of a new lease on life.
For another, all of us bear something heavy in our lives----a physical illness, a rocky childhood, an addiction, a secret. And that thing, whatever it is, makes us who we are. We'll spend our lives fighting it, learning from it, and hopefully, claiming victory over it, even though it's ever-present.
And another, my life-long goal of publishing my writings came true after my diagnosis, which is when I found my current purpose---educating and supporting others with this disease and those who care for us.
And finally, without it, we wouldn't have our beautiful baby girl through domestic infant adoption.
When I was told I had diabetes, my first DNE said I'd go through all the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
She was right.
And though these stages had me miserable for quite some time, reaching acceptance was such a relief. And once I accepted my fate, I began to grow, learn, and thrive, living my life as I believe God wants each of us to: to the fullest.
At the end of the sermon, the pastor had a special time of prayer where congregants could come forward and seek healing or pray for healing for someone they know. Before we reached that point in the sermon, my daughter grew quiet unhappy, and after trying all the tricks (a book, a toy, a snack) without avail, I took her out of the sanctuary.
In all honesty, the idea of going forward and asking God to heal me of diabetes just seems, well, I'll say it, ridiculous.
Because I've accepted the following:
- I didn't deserve this disease, but it is what it is. We all have our cross to bear, and this is mine, so I carry on.
- I didn't give myself diabetes. There are many theories on what causes type I diabetes, but the fact is, I got it, and no wishing or "what if" thinking will change that...nor is that productive in any way.
- That diabetes has made a positive impact on my life. I have my daughter, I am constantly seeking a nutritional education, I'm working out, I'm feeding my family well, and I'm educating and encouraging others with this disease.
- If I didn't have diabetes, I'd have something else to deal with. Christian or not, none of us are promised any sort of deal in life. (The pastor did say, we live in a fallen world full of sin and problems---and therefore, many diseases and illnesses exist. One may not have a disease due to sin, though some people do---think lots of sexual partners and STDs).
Again, I do not doubt my God. If He wanted to lift this disease from my body, He could.
But honestly, I do not believe that healing (being "cured" from diabetes) will ever be part of my life.
Some argue with me and say "they'll cure that thing"---I guess trying to give me hope. The truth is, I have hope---it's just not in the fact that I will ever be healed or cured. My hope is in the fact that I can live a good life WITH diabetes. That is my reality, and that is how I deal and accept this disease daily.
From the outside, a healing sure seems fantastic! But the truth is, I feel those who are super gung-ho on me being healed of diabetes are sadly not getting the science of the matter. They don't get what type I is, how I got it, how it is treated, etc. They also don't get me personally and how I deal with diabetes---that I've accepted it. Even though others may have not.
This is MY cross to bear. Some days it's heavy, some days it's light. I have some horrible bouts of highs and lows---and yes, sometimes I get really pissed off and yell at God, my husband, and myself. But for the most part, I am blessed with fantastic medical professionals, outstanding technology (a pump, a CGM, Symlin, etc.), a supportive family, and a constant yearning to keep growing and changing.
No doubt: diabetes sucks. It's one rough disease---a song that NEVER ends.
But if people would stop deciding for me how I should deal with this disease and what I should want from it and focus on how we are all broken in some way, and that is what connects us as humans, we'd all be happier.